well you can't waste a boner
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
