People in love make me want to vomit
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
