Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
