when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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