Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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