Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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