And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
