My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just invented taco cereal.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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