where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
