i'm lost and i look like a hooker
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
