dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
