Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I have already put on my inside pants.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
