is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
