I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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