I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
