i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
