epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
