yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
