I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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