I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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