the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
