I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
