My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
not ubering you a puppy
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I have post one night stand depression
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
