so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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