The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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