if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
