How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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