Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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