So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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