i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
