wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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