and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Randomize
