YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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