there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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