You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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