so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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