I am puke
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
