His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
