it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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