Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
as a side note pls kill me
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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