I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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