on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
