Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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