She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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