if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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