dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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