He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
