From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
