The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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