I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
