Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
