My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
