Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
