fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
