I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
