I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
