All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
