He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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