ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize