I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
